A positive spin

I watched the "AJ derby" last night. We were top of the table at the final whistle, and everything was coming up roses. I then tried to find a reason for the current malign which has infected our season.

The beginning of this season was better than I can ever remember, after 22 years of supporting Everton. A home win on the first day, battling back from a goal down against Blackburn, an unbelievable away win at White Hart Lane and then the amazing derby victory. The whole club were on such a high. So how did things start to slide?

First of all, the number of international breaks at the start of the season could be held responsible for disrupting any rhythm the team had built up. And obviously, the number of injuries we have sufferred have had a massive impact. From the team that played Liverpool, we are currently missing Phil Neville, Gary Naysmith, Tim Cahill, Mikel Arteta and Tony Hibbert, all of whom are arguably first choice picks.

But the main reason for the slide, in my opinion, is psychological. And this was witnessed in the game immediately following the derby. David Moyes sent out exactly the same eleven to play Wigan, a team who were struggling desperately at the time, and we outplayed them for large portions of the game. However, we failed to kill them off despite twice going ahead, and the game petered out into a tame draw.

In the weeks that followed, we were unlucky to see Ameobi's goal ruled onside, and then exactly the same scenario as Wigan occurred against Man City. We batterred them, we scored, we capitulated. The team just don't seem to have the psychological strength to believe that they can win a game, and sometimes David Moyes's defensive tactics just seems to invite pressure onto ourselves.

And since then we have scraped a few away draws, lost to Villa at home, and won a few home games that, from the outset, we should have won easily. But despite this, the goals are drying up and confidence beginning to wane.

Against West Ham, however, the pattern changed. Instead of scoring then capitulating, we scored and then James Vaughan got a clinching goal at the death! How rarely does that happen? That feeling of relief at the ball sails into the net to give us more than the usual one-goal cushion.

Could this be because we actually had four strikers on the pitch at the time, rather than just Andy Johnson sitting in the centre circle? Due to the major midfield injuries, David Moyes was forced to field an attacking line-up, filled with players who were not skilled at the negative keep-ball tactic and whose instinct instead is to attack whenever possible.

Clearly, Arteta, Hibbert, Naysmith and Cahill and maybe Leon Osman will be missing for a while, so the current team is all we have. Whilst I yearn to have all those players back fit, the fact that we seem to be left with central defenders and attackers may yet reap some benefits. Mainly, goals.

We have some really tough games over the next couple of weeks - Portsmouth away, Chelsea at home and Reading away. The battle for 4th spot in the league is incredibly tight at the moment, and we are still very much in the mix, but a few poor results could see us left behind and sucked into the Middlesborough morass of mediocrity.

Fear: part II

We got tonked three nil. But Rooney didn't score, so every cloud etc..

Fear

Everton play Manchester United tonight. The perennial under-achievers take on the Premiership leaders. Free-scoring Mancs against the shot-shy Toffees. And our two best players, who have scored 90% of our league goals this season are both crocked. I'm going to build a bunker and stay off work for a week. I feel a cold coming on...

It's wrong that I should be this negative. I should have every faith that my beloved team will stroll onto the Old Trafford pitch, look their opponents in the eye, and know that they will leave victorious. We have international players in all departments - Nigerian centre backs, Portugese full backs, Spanish playmakers and Scottish dribblers.

However, from an Everton point of view, and bearing in mind a lot of disappointment over the last 13 years, the boys in blue always look tiny when they shuffle out into the self-titled Theatre of Dreams. Even Phil Neville, who played in the devil-red shirt of the Mancs for most of his career, somehow looks smaller in blue. Less likely to carry the ball the full length of the pitch, because its so big. Imagine 11 smurfs positioned in various poses on a full size football pitch, and you have Everton at Old Trafford.

I was always fairly indifferent to United. I didn't like them constantly winning the Premiership in the 1990's, but I admit to cheering them on in the last few minutes of the Champions League final. However, since "Rooneygate" in 2004, I hate them with a passion.

I never liked Rooney at Everton. He always drew far too much media attention to himself, and the rest of the team sufferred as a result. Everton work better under the radar, as in 2005 when they sneaked 4th place from under the noses of supposedly better teams. But I was glad to see the back of Rooney, and from the excepts of his biography (which is a whole nother issue) he seems to be a thoroughly unpleasant chap.

So why do I hate United for taking him off our hands? Simply this. It was the patronising way in which it was done. Everton had nurtured Rooney from a pup to a bulldog, and then United stepped in, waving their dosh, saying "well done boys, we'll take it from here...."

And all of a sudden, Wayne Rooney the international superstar was born. It's akin to the way that Sky and the Premiership single handedly "invented" football in 1992. All memories of any football prior to that season have been systematically erased. As has Rooney's Everton career.

So we're in for a leathering tonight, probably at the hands of our one time prodigy. Still, West Ham at home on sunday should ease the pain.....

Our Country's Good - theatre review

A bitter wind blew an empty chip wrapper along the chewing gum-stained pavement, as the drunken revellers made their way out of the pubs and clubs of Broad Street. It was a typical Saturday night in Birmingham’s glittering theatre land and we were there to be entertained!!

Any time spent away from the sofa and the temptations of X-factor or Strictly Come Dancing is time well spent, and a visit to the theatre gave my culture-levels a much needed top-up. I would love to say that I made the long journey to Birmingham simply because my love for the theatre is so great that I would climb every mountain etc to catch a group of luvvies prancing about on stage. In all honesty though, we were there to provide moral support to my former housemate from University.

Timberlake Wertenbaker's “Our Country’s Good” is set in Botany Bay in 1789, and tells of the rehearsals for the first play to be performed in Australia. A motley bunch of thieves, murderers and whores are assembled under the co-ordination of the troubled Lt Clarke, as he attempts to steer them through a production of Farquar’s “The Recruiting Officer”

Having previously taken in “The Talented Mr Ripley” at the Crescent Theatre we had some idea of the standard of acting on offer, but we were to be pleasantly surprised. Each member of the 10-strong cast were all equally impressive, although special mention should go to Craig Hall who excelled in the stand-out role of “Robert Sideway”.

The audience were treated to a number of “sea shanties” before the beginning of Acts 1 & 2, which helped set the tone. There were a few arty tableau’s which the less experienced members of the audience (myself included) didn’t follow, but the thespians in the audience lapped it up. Something about a boat, and disassociation.

Fans of Bertolt Brecht (you know who you are) will love the social and political issues which are dissected throughout the rehearsals, ranging from Crime and Punishment to the humanising effect of theatre and how a sense of community can offer savages a sense of civilised society.

The whores were incredibly convincing and thoroughly enjoyable to watch, whilst the character of Major Ross, who set out to make life as difficult as possible for all those involved, was particularly menacing. The basic set and stage props underlined the sparse nature of the pre-colonised Australia, and each character was given time to reflect and express their opinions on how they came to be in the strange, new world.

Tellingly the running time of two and three quarter hours flew by without a single glance at the watch, and each of the captivating performers managed to hold our attention for the full performance.

A post-mortem was held at the Bombay Mix curry house (I recommend the Chicken Rogan) and the final verdict was delivered. “A triumph” we declared. Now let’s eat....

“Our Country’s Good” runs at the Crescent Theatre, Birmingham until the 18th November. Please see the Crescent Theatre website for ticket details.

I saw Saw 3

Live or die, make your choice.

I always think that you can enjoy a movie more with friends than on your own. So when six of us piled into the cinema to watch the 3rd installment of one of the most profitable horror stories ever, I knew I was onto a winner. My only concern was that we were the only people in the theatre, apart from one guy on his own, which gave us all the creeps. Was he making notes??

When the original "Saw" movie was released, it was a breath of fresh air. No gimmicks, no horror cliche's and certainly not a happy end in sight. "Saw 2" was slightly more formulaic, a group of thoroughly dislikeable people trapped in a house with slim chance of survival.

"Saw 3" is more thoughtful, with a couple of nasty surprises thrown in as well as the customary gruesome traps. It's just as bloodthirsty as it's predecessors, but this time the bar is set as "excruciating pain". To give too much of the plot away would be criminal. Suffice to say that two people are put through separate versions of hell in the hope that they come out of the ordeal with at least some of their limbs intact.

Shawnee Smith is particularly psychotic as Jigaw's unbalanced apprentice and Scottish actor Angus Macfadyen is excellent as the main "contestant" who is offerred the chance to claim his life back.

On any number of occasions, the grotesque torture sequences had us all squirming in our seats, hands partially in front of our faces, with the occasional outbursts of "noooooo!!". We had read that some cinema-goers had fainted during previous screenings of this film, and we could understand why particularly when one unfortunate "contestant" was put on the rack. And there were plenty of twists along the way to keep us on our toes.

It's horrific, it's disgusting, it's downright wrong. But its brilliant.

Level 42 come to Wales!

A fool and his money are soon parted, so they say. But Level 42 were so good in Salford that I had to see them again.

My musical taste is quite varied, and I've never really been a fan of going to concerts, but in the last year I've seen Jamiroquai at the MEN Arena, Faithless at the CIA in Cardiff, and Level 42 twice. All this after a gap of 13 years since I saw the Shamen at Newport Leisure Centre on my 18th birthday!!!

Although the set list is identical, it's clear that they have been on the road for a few weeks now, and the performances have grown stronger as they've spent more time together.

There were two major differences between the Salford Lowry concert and last night at St David's Hall, Cardiff. First of all, St David's Hall is massive - too big in fact. The crowd are spread out in 12 separate sections which doesn't help the accoustics. The second difference was the crowd itself, who were far more lively and responsive than the previous gig.

A few people had started to dance during "Hot Water" but by the time the band rolled into Starchild a mosh pit of around three hundred 40-year-olds had formed in front of the stage. It was quite a sight!

All around the upper tiers people were on their feet (myself included) belting out "The sun goes down", "Running in the family", "Lessons in Love" and finally "Something about you". I just kept smiling all the way through as it was wonderful to see my favourite band produce a fantastic performance in front of a wonderfully appreciative crowd.

At the end of the encore, Mark King and (a very shy) Mike Lindup shook hands with every single member of the mosh pit before departing the stage, promising to see us next year.

Fantastic.

Set list in full.

Dive into the Sun
To be with you again
Hot Water
Rooted
World Machine
Retroglide
Leaving me now
Kansas City Milkman
Starchild
The Sun goes down
Running in the family
Lessons in Love
Something about you.
ENCORE
Sleep Talking
The Chinese Way

Level 42 Live!!

First things first, as Peter Kay says. The Salford Lowry is a fantastic venue, not a bad view in the place, comfortable seats and great acoustics. It’s a big place though, with more than one theatre, and we almost ended up seeing “Thatcher – the musical” (honestly!) before being directed by one of the many grey haired stewards.

Kenny Thomas was the support act. He crooned a few melodies which were pretty bland, before finishing with Thinking about your love and Outstanding, his major hits from the late 80’s/early 90’s. The crowd were polite enough but most sat in the bar, popping their heads in occasionally to see if L42 were on yet.

And then the opening chords of “Heaven in my Hands” were blasted over the speakers and everyone rushed in to take their seats. It was to be the only time we were to hear this, which was a shame. Then, we were aware of figures moving onto the darkened stage, and a long, thin red light shining horizontally. It was Mark King’s bass guitar!! The lights came up, and there he was, although for most fans the biggest thrill was to see Mike Lindup sat behind his stack of keyboards. The previous Level 42 tour was much the poorer for his absence.

They launched straight into “Dive into the sun”, the first track on the new album, Retroglide, and followed this with the crowd pleasing “To be with you again”. The standard was set. Mark King was, as ever, a great front man, sharing banter with the crowd and all the ladies who had started dancing at the front of the theatre. “Hot Water” was a big favourite, and the new album tracks such as “Rooted” and “Retroglide” also went down well.

But most of the assembled hoards (myself included) were there to hear the songs from, as Mark King put it “the good old days”. A rendition of “Leaving me now” was followed by “World Machine” and “Kansas City Milkman”, a track which was never a hit but was always a popular live track following its inclusion on the 1985 EP “A Physical Presence”.

They then ploughed through the main hits of the 1980’s, starting with “Star Child”, “The Sun goes down” (which got everyone dancing), “Running in the family”, “Lessons in Love” and then bringing the set to an end with a fantastic performance of “Something about you”.

The crowd cried for more. “What haven’t they played?” we thought. Children Say? Heaven in my Hands? Forever Now? Guaranteed? Well, frankly, we were to be disappointed. They came back out and performed another track from the new album, “Sleep Talking” which left the audience a bit flat. They managed to turn it around, though, by flying straight into “The Chinese Way” which demonstrated how King’s bass playing and Lindup’s vocals made the band such a success. A special mention should be made to Gary Husband on drums, who was drenched in sweat from the second track onwards, but still managed to put in a level of energy which would have had the Muppet’s ‘Animal’ watching with awe.

Then they left, and we filtered out into the drizzle of Salford. Should’ve paid for the parking before the concert, said my mate, would’ve saved queuing for ages. But everyone in the queue was singing “The Chinese Way” and were tapping their feet, so the bizarre spectacle kept us amused until we drove away.

Level 42 are back, and they were awesome. I was never lucky enough to see them live in the 80’s. But their musical abilities live on, as does the crowd’s affection for them. I’m off to see them in Cardiff at the end of the month!

The return of Level 42!!

I'm going to see the almost-totally-reformed Level 42 in the first night of their UK tour. Its at the Salford Lowry tomorrow night. For all those die-hard fans out there (and to still support them about 20 years after their hey-day, you must be die-hard really) I'll have a review of the gig here next week.

In the meantime, I bought the new Level 42 album this week, which marks their first new material for 12 years. Mike Lindup is back to join Mark King and the bands second drummer, Gary Husband, who themselves reunited in 2002.

For those of you who have never heard of Level 42, or don't think you have, let me brief you. Mark King. Bass Guitar. Very fast hands. Does that ring a bell? Their biggest selling single was "Lessons in Love" which reached number 3 in the UK singles charts in June 1986. However, probably their most famous track was "Running in the family", from the album of the same name, which still receives a lot of airplay today in numerous "Guess the year" competitions which are run on local radio.

My personal favourite is "Something about you" , the video for which saw Mark King dressed as an evil clown which used to terrify and fascinate me. And before you ask "who do they sound like?" they don't sound like anyone. Which has probably been Level 42's biggest problem. They rose to prominence during the New Romantic period of the early 80's and continued to do well during the Stock Aitken and Waterman dominated late 80's. But their jazz/funk sound was totally unique to anything else which was being produced around them.

"Retroglide" is the title of the new release, and in many ways it has more in common with the early Pursuit of Accidents than the pop-oriented Running in the Family. It's fairly obvious to me, despite my devotion to the band, that they are unlikely to score a top ten hit in the singles charts, but the album should sell well.

With this in mind, the band have gone back to their funk/jazz/fusion roots and produced an album unrestricted by the need for a commercially successful single. "Rooted" is a standout track, as is the downloadable single "The Way Back Home". The album is jump-started by the lively "Dive into the sun" and the album track "Retroglide" is a melodious foot tapper.

The only problem which this album presented was a realisation of my own age. I was 10 when I bought "Leaving me now" and 21 years on my musical tastes have mellowed slightly. Therefore, it's no surprise that the more slow and soulful tracks were my favourites, whilst the uptempo strains of "Sleep Talking" had me scanning forward.

However, it's great to have Level 42 producing new material, and I can't wait to see them live tomorrow!!

Timeline of British History

55BC First Roman contact. Britain later becomes part of the huge Roman Empire
Emperor Claudius founds Londinium 43AD

400AD Anglo Saxons - Native Briton’s retreated to Wales, Cornwall and Cumbria. Picts and Jutes arrive. Four dialects emerge e.g. Northumbrian, Mercian, West Saxon & Kentish.

797 Vikings - Raiders from the North, inconsistent rule.

878 Alfred “the Great” - forced the Vikings back over the “Danelaw”-Chester to London

1016-42 Canute - Danish King brought an end to centuries of conflict

1042-66 Edward “the Confessor” - Died childless, allegedly promised throne to William I

1066 Harold II - Last Anglo Saxon king. Defeated Harald Hardraade, killed at Hastings

NORMAN INVASION
1066-87 William I “the Conqueror”- Battle of Hastings, Domesday Book 1086.

1087-1100 William II - Brutal leader, defeated King Malcolm III of Scotland, murdered for his brother, Henry I

1100-35 Henry I - Daughter Matilda married Geoffrey Plantagenet, development of bureaucracy.

1135-54 Stephen I - Nephew of Henry I, he usurped the throne. Fought rightful heir Matilda throughout.

1154-89 Henry II - Son of Matilda Executed Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Becket.

1189-99 Richard I - The Lionheart, fought in the Crusades. Spent only 6 months at home.

1199-1216 John I - Brother of Richard, signed the Magna Carta in 1215. Created fledgling English Navy.

PLANTAGENET, LANCASTER AND YORK
1216-72 - Henry III Son of John I. Presided over first “parlements”–between kings, barons and knights

1272-1307 - Edward I Son of Henry III. Built chain of massive castles across Wales, suppressed rebellions.

1307-27 Edward II - Defeated by Scots, led by Robert the Bruce, at Bannockburn, 1314. Forced to abdicate.

1327-77 Edward III - Rebuilt Windsor Castle, started the 100 years war, Black Death 1348.

1377-99 Richard II - Peasants Revolt 1381. Invented the handkerchief. Imprisoned by his cousin, Henry IV

1399-1413 Henry IV - Defeated Owain Glyndwr and other rebellions. Burnt religious heretics.

1413-22 Henry V - Won the Battle of Agincourt 1415 during 100 years war. Dominant European power.

1422-61 Henry VI - Regular bouts of insanity. Joan D’arc forced his armies out of France

1461-70 Edward IV - Fought War of the Roses (1455) between Lancaster and York

1470-71 Henry VI - Briefly snatched power back during the War of the Roses

1471-83 Edward IV - Spent much of his reign fighting Henry VI and his followers.

1483 Edward V - Aged 13 was declared illegitimate and held in the Tower of London. Never seen again.

1483-85 Richard III - Uncle of Edward V. Killed by exiled Henry of Lancaster, ending the War of the Roses.

TUDOR (THE RENAISSANCE)
1485-1509 Henry VII - Established Tudor dynasty. Defeated Richard III at Bosworth 1485. Columbus 1492.

1509-47 Henry VIII - Married six times, split from Catholic Church.

1547-53 Edward VI - Son of Jane Seymour died aged 15. His heir, Lady Jane Grey, beheaded 9 days later.

1553-58 Mary I - Daughter of Catherine of Aragon chose Latin mass.

1558-1603 Elizabeth I - Daughter of Anne Boleyn, defeated Spanish Armada. Shakespeare.

STUART (COLONISATION)
1603-25 James I - First authorised book of the “King James” Bible. Landing at Plymouth Rock 1820

1625-49 Charles I - Son of James I. Chose to rule without Parliament, executed in 1649 after Civil War.

1649-60 Cromwell - Ruled as Lord Protector until his death in 1658

1660-85 Charles II - Son of Charles I. Affair with actress, Nell Gwynne. Great Fire of London 1666.

1685-88 James II - Younger brother of Charles II. Fled the country as William of Orange grew in support.

1688-1702 William III - Hero of Irish Protestantism winning the Battle of the Boyne – rise of the Orange Order.

1702-14 Anne - Jacobite revolt 1708. Newcomen Steam Engine 1712.

THE HOUSE OF HANOVER
1714-27 George I - Robert Walpole, first “Prime Minister”

1727-60 George II - Defeated Scots at Culloden, 1746. Gregorian Calendar & National Anthem introduced.

1760-1820 George III - First British Monarch since 1702. Bought Buckingham House, American Revolution.

1820-30 George IV - Proclaimed Prince Regent in 1811, due to madness of George III.

1830-37 William IV - Ruler when slavery was ended throughout Britain, Reform bill passed.

1837-1901 Victoria - Longest reign in British history. Industrial revolution.

1901-10 Edward VII - Related to nearly every European monarch, known as the “Uncle of Europe”.

WINDSOR
1910-1936 George V - Changed name from Saxe-Coburg to Windsor. Began the Royal Christmas address.

1936 Edward VIII - Abdicated to marry Wallis Simpson

1936-52 George VI - Married Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, the Queen Mother

1953- Elizabeth II

Farewell Top of the Pops

Top of the Pops has ended, not with a bang, but with a whimper. The show which ran from 1964 to 2006 aired its last broadcast on Sunday night, and only 3.9 million people bothered to watch.

There was a time, in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, when T.O.T.P. amassed enormous viewing figures of around 15 million. It was shown at primetime on a Thursday evening (and later on a Friday) on BBC1 when all the family gathered around to watch it. In 2006, the BBC producers were scratching their heads as to why viewing figures had dropped off so dramatically in the last few years, never contemplating the idea that it might be due to a Sunday evening slot on BBC2!

During its heyday, T.O.T.P. witnessed sparkling performances from Slade, Elton John, David Bowie and a very young Madonna. More recently, we have been subjected to winners of various talent shows singing their one and only single before scurrying off into obscurity, and life-suckingly bland performances by pretty boys doing cover versions of awful songs. Yes, I mean Westlife.

The BBC has been quite patronizing in its coverage of the final days of T.O.T.P. Documentaries have been aired, highlighting the highs and lows of it’s history, even though it was these same people who were consigning it to become history. Radio and TV gave us plenty of reminders to watch the last show, although had the BBC put a little more care and attention into its publicity for T.O.T.P., they may not have found themselves scrapping it.

They even brought back the previous hosts to celebrate the life of a once cutting-edge production. The wonderfully eccentric Jimmy Saville, stood next to the multi-talentless Reggie Yates providing further insight into why nobody is watching the show anymore. There was no fun, no imagination, and no point.

Yes, it must be acknowledged that television has moved on. MTV has created a culture where teenagers have an attention span which lasts around 3 minutes, so the very idea of sitting down for half an hour to watch a whole show is ridiculous. I can lay into the teenagers here and blame them entirely for the end of an era, as they would have stopped reading two paragraphs back.

The sheer saturation of the pop music video market and the importance that a memorable video now has on single sales, means that live performances are not financially viable. Would “Call On Me” by Eric Prydz really have been number 1 for weeks if it hadn’t been for the fit bird in the leotard?

The BBC never made the most of T.O.T.P. as a brand. They could have created their own MTV channel with the vast tunnels of archive footage that they own, rather than just spilling out half a performance along with some glib trivia comments on T.O.T.P.2.

Goodbye Top of the Pops. Or as the legendary Tony Dortie would have said “Laters!”

R.I.P. TV?

The world cup is over and women have reclaimed their remote controls. It’s strange to think that after months of hype, and numerous football-related advertisements, the whole tournament ended with a whimper. Despite 120 minutes of football, the final will always be remembered for Zinedine Zidane’s bull in a china shop.

During this time, men around the country were subjected to sighs of displeasure, whenever a match kicked-off.
“It’s once every 4 years love, let me watch it, please...”
Now I know that women are far more likely to watch football than they were 20 years ago, but even the most loving of marriages must have been tested by the constant stream of group matches, with 3 games being played each day.

So now that it’s over, what are we left with? Now that women have gained control of the channel-hopping, it seems that rumours of reality-televisions demise have been greatly exaggerated. 9pm–Big Brother. 10pm–Love Island. Every night!! It’s enough to make you walk the dog!

I don’t care if the son of someone famous wants to do unmentionable things to a girl who makes Jackie Stallone look attractive. And I don’t care if Nikki has a fit because she can’t eat fish and everybody else laughs at her. And is it my imagination or has this particular “series” of Big Brother been on since 2003? They just keep evicting people and then stuffing more in. It’s never going to end, I tell you!!

The television schedules are now, more than ever, aimed at women. Location x 3, How to look good naked, Holby City, This is not top quality television. At which point during these shows are we required to think for ourselves?

Poignantly, this weekend sees the grand finale of The West Wing, one of the most educated and thought provoking drama’s that we have witnessed for the last decade. This is being axed due to falling ratings, although what everyone is watching instead is beyond me.

Panorama is being moved back into its Primetime slot, which is a step in the right direction. But until Spooks returns in the autumn, BBC is offering very little in the way of competition to this sickeningly banal programming. “Sorted” promised much but is a very poor man’s Clocking Off, and the characters are so one-dimensional compared to the likes of “Life on Mars”.

ITV appears to have given up using actors or presenters, choosing instead to produce “The World’s fattest builders from hell on holiday in freak weather” etc. Sky One seems to be following suit. Sure, you can talk about it in work the next day, but what about the other 7 hours and 57 minutes?

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be, so the saying goes. Gladiators, Noel’s House Party and Blind Date were hardly the pinnacle of what our national broadcasters could achieve. But at least they were trying.

Christmas in Cardiff

It’s summertime in Cardiff. The sunlight reflects off the greasy chip paper which lies abandoned in the gutter. Shoppers make their way in and out of the air-conditioned shopping malls, completely oblivious to the fact, only yards away, one man is saving their puny little lives.

In the middle of the current 30º heat wave, Christmas trees began to spring up all around the Welsh Capital. Startled onlookers muttered that this was a result of global warming, or that maybe they shouldn’t have supped that third pint at lunchtime.

Of course, there was an entirely rational explanation for all of this. Dr Who had come back to town. As BBC Wales are so fond of telling us, Dr Who is “great drama, made in Wales”. And even the soaring temperatures could not stop our favourite time lord from filming his Christmas special, guest starring comedienne Catherine Tate.

Wearing a full wedding dress, Tate claimed she was “honoured and delighted” to be appearing alongside returning Dr Who, David Tennant, in her role as “The Runaway Bride”.

Cardiff and the surrounding south Wales towns have played host to Dr Who for the last two and a half years, since Christopher Ecclestone first reprised the role. The boost in tourism has been keenly felt as a result, most notably in the redeveloped Cardiff Bay, where the “Boom Town” episode was filmed in 2005.

With the news that Torchwood, the Dr Who spin-off starring John Barrowman, will be launched on BBC3 later this year, the shoppers of Cardiff should prepare themselves for the sight of deckchairs and ice creams in December!

Got, need, got..

I got a World Cup sticker album at the weekend - it was free with one of the Sunday narrow-sheets. I was tempted to start collecting the stickers, just for a laugh, but decided against it. After all, I'm a 31 year old Civil Servant with a mortgage and life insurance. And I don't hang around in playgrounds anymore, you'll be happy to hear.

However, imagine my surprise when I got to work on Monday to be confronted by two colleagues (whose ages are sufficiently post-teenage to warrant a "how old are you?" look) bragging about their sticker albums.

So totally against my will, I am now in a "swapsy" club. I got Rooney, Shevchenko and Zidane in the first batch. It seems a bit pointless to give away the best players at the beginning, as you know that from now on there will be lots of Costa Rican's and Togoans/Togese/Togi players who you've never heard of. And you know they're rubbish when they print two players in the space of one. Clearly, Panini were trying to save space for the more fancied nations.

It reminded me of my first summer of sticker albums. I had the Flash Gordon sticker album in 1981, but nobody else was collecting so I had no-one to swap with. So the 1984-85 football season was my league debut in the world of swapsies.

As a 9 year old, I had recently made the momentous realisation that blue was my favourite colour. With this in mind, I chose my football team very carefully. Brian Kilcline's "perm and moustache" combo put me off Coventry, whilst Chelsea were ruled out immediately by the inclusion of John Bumstead on the teamsheet. The sheer humiliation of having the word "bum" in your name meant that it wasn't worth the playground teasing.

But Everton had just won the FA Cup and pretty soon the ugly mugs of Peter Reid, Andy Gray and Neville Southall became golddust in my home. You could accuse me of being a glory-hunter at the time, but I think I've served enough penance in the last 20 years to make up for that. The 1985-86 sticker album will always be a collectors item because it was "the Gary Lineker season", and it was for that year alone that the team wore the blue and white halved kit. By the way, how short were the shorts in the 1980's??

But the daddy of them all, the numero uno, the big cheese, the all-time best ever sticker album was "Mexico 86". Not only did it have pictures of players I'd never heard of, or stadiums I couldn't pronounce (Zbigniew Boniek playing in Guadalajara, for example) but it had the most valuable sticker ever - the tournament mascot, Pique. Also, it was one of the few times that Everton had more players in the England squad than the combined selection from Man Utd and Liverpool.

I don't know whether "the kids of today" are actually collecting these stickers anymore. It may just be my colleagues and I, keeping Panini in business. But for the next 12 weeks, we're happy to oblige.

Newport Transporter Bridge

Newport Transporter Bridge

To mark the upcoming centenary celebrations, I took a visit to Newport’s Transporter Bridge. On September 12th, 2006, the magnificent Grade 1 listed structure will be 100 years old, and it’s still going strong.

Newport Council has planned a number of events to coincide with the anniversary, including a Transporter-Bridge themed Maindee Festival in July and on the 15th-17th September an extravaganza of “Music, Performance, Art, Dance, Circus, Produce Show and Engineering Heritage Pavilion, all held in the shadow of the Newport Transporter Bridge”.
The need for a second bridge was first considered in the late 19th century, as the industrial revolution reached Newport. The town was, and still is, separated by the fast-flowing River Usk, and at that time the existing Town Bridge was deemed inadequate to cope with the weight of industrial traffic which was developing along Corporation Road. In 1896 John Lysaght, announced his intention to create a huge steelworks and Newport council promised the creation of a new river crossing.

Tunnels and high level bridges were considered, but deemed too expensive. The main problem was the frequent high tides, and the need for tall ships to sail further upstream. Newport’s Borough Engineer, Mr R H Haynes, proposed that Ferdinand Arnodin’s idea of an “Aerial Ferry” would overcome such difficulties, as demonstrated by an earlier construction in Rouen, France.

For those who don’t know how it works, a transporter bridge is a type of movable bridge that carries a segment of roadway across a river. The “gondola” is slung from a tall span by a metal frame. The design has been used to cross bodies of water, where there is a requirement for ship traffic to be able to pass. This is a rare type of bridge, with fewer than two dozen built and just eight which continue to be used today.

Work started on construction in 1902, and the Transporter Bridge was opened by Viscount Tredegar on the 12th September 1906. The bridge stands 242ft tall and the towers span a distance of 645ft. The gondola is able to carry six cars and 120 foot passengers, (pedestrians travel for free!).

For those who wish to learn more, there is a visitor centre on the Pillgwenlly side of the bridge, which provides an overview of the bridge’s history and construction, an audio-visual presentation with interactive model and a number of souvenirs.

2006 World Cup Final

2006 World Cup Final

ITALY 1 FRANCE 1 (ITALY WIN 5-3 ON PENALTIES)

Italy are the 2006 World Champions and in the end they were worthy winners. Over the course of the 120 minutes, France may have been the better team, but Italy played well throughout the entire tournament. Their World Cup destiny seemed to be assured once they had dramatically defeated the host nation, Germany, in the semi final.

However, it is fitting that the Final, and indeed the whole tournament, will be remembered more for an incident of ill-discipline, rather than exciting football. Zinedine Zidane, playing his last ever game of football, had a moment of madness and charged head first at Marco Materazzi’s chest. The referee didn’t see it, but was quickly helped by his assistant and Zidane was left to walk past the trophy for an early bath.

It had all started so well for “Zizou”, his cheeky 7th minute penalty giving France the lead after Florent Malouda had been felled in the box. Twelve minutes later the scores were level, when Materazzi climbed over Patrick Vieira to despatch a bullet header into the French net.
It was a manic first 20 minutes of football which promised much, but in truth there were few moments of note before Zidane’s extra time expulsion.

Italy’s Pirlo controlled the first half with his excellent range of passing, but was often let down by the lethargic running of Totti, Camoranesi and Perrotta, three players who had all been influential against Germany. France flew out of the blocks in the second half and took the game to Italy, with Henry particularly looking lively without carving out any real opportunities.

Ninety minutes came and went, with neither side really threatening to do enough to win. In extra time, Zidane tested Buffon in the Italian goal, but his header was straight at the keeper. Then Zidane did his impression of a bull in a china shop and it went to penalties. Italy scored all five of their attempts, but crucially France missed one through David Trezeguet. It was sweet revenge for the Italian’s who had been defeated by Trezeguet’s golden goal winner in the Euro 2000 final.

This World Cup promised much but often failed to deliver. The Group stages were extremely entertaining, and goals flew in from all angles. Ghana and the Ivory Coast did themselves proud, and we will no doubt witness more of their players in the Premiership next season. Brazil, Spain, Argentina and Holland all looked strong favourites to win the trophy whilst England stumbled past Trinidad and Tobago. However, the knock-out stages were a huge disappointment, with the emphasis shifted from attacking football to “simulation”, defensiveness and red cards. The goals dried up and the favourites went home.

However, this takes nothing away from the Italians, who now sit on 4 World Cup victories, just one behind Brazil. Italy performed consistently throughout the tournament and were able to change or control games through clever substitutions, as they boasted the strongest bench of all the teams participating.

Just six weeks left until the Premiership kicks off again!!

2002 World Cup

JAPAN/KOREA 2002

How mad was this tournament?? France were reigning World and European champions, and were piping hot favourites to win in 2002. They went out in the first round and didn't score a single goal.

Argentina were another team fancied to do well. They also failed to progress out of the group stage. As did Figo's Portugal. The first World Cup to be held in Asia was full of surprises.

So who was left? The 2002 World Cup became sort of an LDV Vans Trophy final, as the unknown South Korea, Turkey, Japan and Senegal teams left their marks on the tournament. The USA were also impressive, outscoring Portugal in the game of the tournament. The rise in fortunes of such teams meant that Premiership managers had new pastures from which to cultivate players of questionable ability.

However, Brazil and Germany were still in the tournament and scoring for fun. Germany beat Saudi Arabia 8-0 without breaking sweat. Brazil triumphed over China 4-0 with the four R's scoring - Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Rivaldo and Roberto Carlos.

England had stumbled through the group stages, drawing with Sweden and Nigeria and beating Argentina (revenge for 1998!) through a single goal. However, against a strong Denmark team, England went all Galactico, scoring three goals in the first half. Could this be their year?

No, it couldn't. They played Brazil in the next round and lost to ten men. Ronaldinho had baffled, bewildered and bamboozled David Seaman with a swirling, whirling free kick. Then Ronaldinho, who looks a bit like Dwight Yorke's sister, saw red. England still couldn't hold on to the ball long enough to mount a response, but this summer, Scholes, Butt and Sinclair will have been replaced with Gerrard, Lampard and Joe Cole, so ball retention shouldn't be so difficult.

Even though they were the home nation, South Korea went on an epic journey through Portugal, Spain and Italy on their way to the Semi finals. They eventually lost to the efficient but uninspiring Germans. In the other semi, Brazil met Turkey in a repeat of their group game, and the result was the same.

The only disappointment of this tournament was that none of the big teams had met each other. There was no "clash of the titans" or "battle of the big 'uns". Italy, Spain, France, Portugal and Argentina were all despatched by smaller teams, Holland hadn't even qualified, and England were never at the races. Germany and Brazil were both worthy finalists, but nobody had really tested them on the way.

Cue Ronaldo to make up for the pre-1998-Final-wierdness and score some goals. He did. And Brazil won. Sao Paulo went crazy-go-nuts.

France 98

FRANCE 98

France hosted it. France won it. What more do you need to know? France had not qualified for a World Cup since Mexico 1986, and they had seen little success in competitive matches. There is a school of thought which suggests the only reason they hosted the tournament was to guarantee their qualification. But this is for cynics....

With Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Bebeto et al, Brazil were the firm favourites. Scotland's John Collins dared to score a goal against them in the tournament opener, but Brazil inevitably prevailed. Scotland themselves were a disappointment, losing 3-0 to Morocco in a crunch match. A "crunch match" is defined as being a game which either side can ill-afford to lose. So it applies to all games really.

But this tournament will be remembered for one stand-out game, Argentina versus England. 1986 saw the "Hand of God" and it was time for revenge. Two penalties in the first ten minutes set the tone for the drama that was to follow. Michael "injured" Owen scored his wonder goal before Zanetti made it 2-2. Then David "err...obviously..." Beckham flicked a petulant leg at Simeone and was red-carded. He was lambasted by fans and the media at the time, but his response was to become one of the greatest and certainly most famous footballers on the planet today. It was of no use to us at the time, though.

Then the penalties. Paul "guvnor" Ince missed for England, Hernan "tousled" Crespo missed for Argentina. Before the tournament, Glenn Hoddle decided to take David Batty instead of Matt le Tissier, a man who could boast that he had never missed a penalty. David Batty had never TAKEN a penalty, and this was to prove crucial as England were denied once again from 12 yards.

Brazil removed Denmark and France beat Italy on penalties. The surprise package of this tournament were the Croatians, a big, physical team who could also pass the ball with a radar. They spanked Germany 3-0 on their way to a semi-final with France, before falling to the freescoring Lillian Thuram (his only goals ever, and he scored them both in one game). Argentina were defeated by Holland, falling to a goal from Dennis Bergkamp which defied the laws of gravity, evolution and keepy-ups.

All the drama of the Final came before the kick-off. Was Ronaldo on the Brazilian team sheet? Was he ill? Was he even at the ground? He eventually came out but was clearly elsewhere in his head. Little tweetie birds and rainbows were flying around him. Zidane scored two headed goals from corners before Arsenal's Emmanuel Petit sealed it late on. Vive la France. J'ai perdu mon fromage.

USA 94

USA 94

If you can blank out the laughable memory of Diana Ross' entrance song, as she ran across a mocked-up pitch and blazed a penalty wide from 1 yard, then USA 94 was a worldwide hit. Unfortunately, most people in the Home nations don't remember this tournament very well as neither England ("Do I not like that"), Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland had qualified.

So it became fashionable to drink endless amounts of Guinness and support the Republic of Ireland. Most of the team played in the recently-formed Premiership, and their manager was a legend of England's only World Cup triumph, so it wasn't a great stretch. That the tournament was hosted in a country which didn't really understand football ("yo dude, check out this awesome soccer match..") was a risk, but the crowds turned up in force. With milkshakes and big foam hands.

1994 was a long, hot summer worldwide and with the US hosting games in Los Angeles, Dallas and Orlando it was not going to get any cooler for the players. This may explain why so many big nations were ejected well before their time. Jack Charlton's Ireland were the first to get in on the act, beating Italy 1-0 through a Ray Houghton goal. Cue delirium in the streets of Dublin. And Northwest London.

Due to the recently-introduced "no backpass" rule, we were treated to a wealth of attacking football from all nations, including some surprise packages. Again the African nations featured strongly, following on from Cameroon's quarter final appearance in Italia 90, Nigeria also qualified out of the group stages (beating Bulgaria on the way) before falling to Italy.

Argentina started strongly with two wins out of two, but then disaster struck. Diego Maradona failed a drug test and was thrown out of the competition, leaving his team-mates to be humbled by Romania's great Gheorge Hagi in one of the best games of the tournament.

An aging German team were dispatched at the hands (or feet) of a Bulgarian team spearheaded by the legendary Hristo Stoichkov. Holland were overcome by the brilliant Brazilian's in a five goal thriller in Dallas. The US was captivated. Can I get a fries with that?

The Italians eventually woke up and made it to the final, almost unnoticed. Roberto Baggio had again been their leading light, scoring 5 goals in three games. But unfortunately for Baggio, it was he who missed the crucial penalty against Brazil in the final. To be fair, Brazil had dominated the game (and the tournament) and deserved to become World Champions, but it was still harsh on one of the most talented players on show.

The lasting legacy of this tournament can be seen in the Premiership today. Prior to USA 94, a foreign player in the English league was a novelty, unless he was Norwegian ( 7 out of the 11 Norwegian's who started the game against Mexico were based in England, with Gunnar Halle on the bench).

But in the months following the Final, names such as Jurgen Klinsmann, Daniel Amokachi, Dan Petrescu, Phillippe Albert and eventually Dennis Bergkamp began to appear on British teamsheets. The flair and attacking football which they have brought with them is one of the reasons that the English Premiership is the most watched league in the World. And it all started in the USA. Soccer, eh? You gotta love it......

ITALIA 90

Ah, Italia 90. The drama, the passion, the pizza.

Nessun Dorma (None shall sleep) sent shivers down the spine of a nation, as Pavarotti belted out the tournament anthem. Aside from the music, Italia 90 was notable for the rise in the African nations. Cameroon somehow managed to beat World Champions Argentina in the tournament opener. Their spirit, athleticism and their inability to make a clean tackle made them one of the most watchable teams of the summer.

In the "Group of Sleep", England, Ireland and Holland all drew with each other, before England beat Egypt through a Mark Wright header to progress. Then the REAL drama began. After 120 minutes of fairly unmemorable action against Belgium, Paul "issues" Gascoigne floated over the perfect free-kick for David "he's filled out a bit, now" Platt to swivel and volley in a superb winner. Cue Pavarotti again.

Meanwhile Italy unveiled a young man, nicknamed the Divine Ponytail. Roberto Baggio had an incredible talent for running at defenders from all areas of the pitch, whilst keeping perfect balance. Just ask Czechoslovakia. Italy topped their group without conceding a goal, and were looking strong. Eventual finalists Argentina actually finished third in their group, but progressed due to a favourable points tally. Brazil dispatched Scotland on their way to the knock out rounds whilst West Germany scored an amazing 10 goals in three games.

England played Cameroon in the quarter final. Two Gary Lineker penalties (a further result of the opposition’s inability to tackle) put them through 3-2, where they faced West Germany. Chris "diamond lights" Waddle went close with a 50 yard screamer, Paul Parker deflected Andreas Brehme's free kick over Peter "quite short for a keeper" Shilton before Gary Lineker scored again to take it to penalties. We all know what followed - Stuart "psycho" Pearce scuffing from 12 yds, and Chris Waddle proving that he was more accurate from 50 yds. Cue Pavarotti again.

The Republic of Ireland had surprised everyone by making it through to the quarter finals through a thrilling penalty decider over Romania, before eventually falling to the host nation. West Germany had the Dutch salivating (geddit?) over their performance as they won 2-1. Champions Argentina beat Brazil in an awful game.

The final itself, between West Germany and Argentina, was such an anti-climax. Four years earlier, these teams had shared a 5 goal thriller, but this game was marred by Argentina's tactic of not actually playing football. Eventually their dirty play was rewarded with a late West German penalty which was converted by Andreas Brehme. Game, set and tournament. Pavarotti wobbled off into the distance. The fat Tenor had sung.

Save £'s on Cinema tickets

Save £'s on Cinema tickets!!

LORD OF THE RINGS: A bloke makes a ring which is really powerful, but loses it. Years later, a little guy finds the ring, but at that time evil stuff is happening. The only way to make it stop is to throw the ring into the fire where it was made. So he does.

STAR WARS: A boy has this ability to control things around him. He trains to use it for good, but gets angry a lot and uses it for evil. He gets injured in a fight and has to wear a special suit. Years later, his son realises there is still good in him and together they defeat the evil Emperor. The end.

ARMAGEDDON: Big Meteor approaching earth. A bunch of oil drillers land on it. It goes boom. The end.

DEEP IMPACT: Big Meteor approaching earth. A bunch of astronauts land on it. It goes boom, although a little bit of it lands and causes a flood. Frodo escapes up a hill. The end.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: Are we alone in the universe? No, we're not. The end.

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY: Julia Roberts' husband goes nuts and arranges the kitchen tins into very neat rows.

LAKE PLACID: A big crocodile is eating people. It turns out there's two of them. They kill one. The end.

USUAL SUSPECTS: Kevin Spacey did it.

TITANIC: The ship sinks. The end

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Aliens invade kill everyone, get the sniffles and die. The end.

THE GRUDGE: All wrong. The end

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: All his brothers are dead, so he's excused from the war. Everyone else dies trying to find him

JAWS: Big shark eats people, policeman, fish-man and fisherman go hunting, sing "Show me the way to go home". Shark smiles because he's a son of a bitch, policeman blows him up. The end

JURASSIC PARK: A rich man makes dinosaurs. Chaos ensues. People escape. The end.
JURASSIC PARK 2: And again.
JURASSIC PARK 3: And again.

TWISTER: Don't move to Oklahoma. It’s windy out.

KILL BILL Vol. 1 The bride takes revenge on those who wronged her. Cuts Lucy Lui's scalp off. The end.

KILL BILL Vol. 2 The bride takes more revenge on those who wronged her. Plucks Daryl Hannah's eye out. Not sure how she killed Bill as it all happened quite fast. The end.

TRAINSPOTTING: Scotland. Drugs. Horrible toilet. Choice.

THE MATRIX: Are we being kept alive by a superior race of machines? One (as in "The One") is an anagram of Neo. Interesting.....
THE MATRIX 2: There's more people now, and they live in Zion. The architect talks through his backside.
THE MATRIX 3: I don't care anymore, although Trinity dies which was sad.

MARS ATTACKS: Horrible little Aliens land and kill everyone. Tom Jones sings and they explode. The end.

PULP FICTION. Royale with cheese. The gimp. Everybody be cool. The end.

SE7EN: A murder for each of the deadly sins. Brad has a lovely wife. She's a bit shorter now. The end.

ROCKY: Rocky loves Aidrian - Rocky fights for world title - 80's training montage - Draw's fight - Aiiiiiiiidrian
ROCKY 2: Rocky loves Aidrian - Rocky fights for world title - Runs up some steps - Wins fight - Aiiiiiiiidrian
ROCKY 3: Mr.T beats everyone up - Mickey dies - Rocky loses - 80's training montage - Rocky wins - Aiiiiiiiidrian
ROCKY 4: Giant russian kills Rocky's butty - Rocky goes to Russia - 80's training montage - Beats Russian, ends cold war - Aiiiiiiiidrian
ROCKY 5: Rocky retires, trains Tommy Morrison - Rocky's kid gets jealous - Boring family stuff - Rocky and Tommy fight in a car park - Rocky wins – Aiiiiidrian

BOOGIE NIGHTS: This guy has a massive member. Makes some rude films in the 70's. Gets it out at the end.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Bumcrack fountain. Nuff said.

DONNIE DARKO: Plane engine crashes on a house - A 6 foot rabbit appears - It all makes perfect sense in the end?!

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW: World gets a bit chilly. Stupid wolves run around. Everyone survives and buys a winter coat.