The final straw that broke the camel's back...

I’d like to think my record speaks for itself. Most of the articles I’ve had published on Toffeeweb have been positive, feel good pieces. And I’ve written them from the heart.

For once though, the air of positivity has faded away and the mindless optimism has been beaten to a pulp by the big stick of reality.

There is no leadership at the club. No accountability. I remember feeling this depressed during the summer in which we sold Rooney (but we went on to have our greatest season in years). I also felt like this the day Duncan Ferguson was sold. It’s a horrible, gut wrenching feeling, that the club you love, and would do anything for, is being run by morons.

What the hell is going on at Goodison? Once again, a season of fantastic achievements is followed by a summer of complete ineptitude. We all expected (nay, demanded) that following our 5th place finish, which was astonishing, that the club would keep the momentum going. We hoped for one or two signings before the European Championship, and then a few more at the end. So that by the time pre-season rolled around, we’d have a large, unified squad to kick on for the new season.

But no, no, no, no, no. The squad shrinks and we lose our most influential midfielder, Lee Carsley. Fair enough, Wessels, Gravesen, and (much as it hurts me to say) Manny Fernandes, all looked out of place last year, and neither seemed good enough to stay on. And maybe injuries to Cahill and Vaughan could be papered over. But after losing McFadden and then Andy Johnson, our squad looks pathetic.

I mean, compared to any other top Premiership team we look like a bunch of amateurs. But when Spurs, Aston Villa and even bloody Fulham make significant improvements to their squads it just adds to our woes. We are so far behind every other club and there is no excuse for it. None whatsoever. So who is to blame?

Lets look at the evidence....

David Moyes has hardly said a word all summer. He makes sound bites about expecting goals from Arteta, but that’s it. No confirmation that the contract is signed, no photo’s of him next to the latest new signing, holding the Everton scarf aloft. His silence speaks volumes and it has spread fear throughout the whole fan base. Fair enough, we come to expect silence from the boardroom when things aren’t going well, but Moyes never ducks a punch. He is honest and straightforward, but this summer he’s been in hiding.

Bill Kenwright. Ah, poor pauper Bill. He was honest enough to admit that he needs to find a Billionaire Evertonian to keep the club going, but even I have lost patience with him. I’m not expecting him to pull £50m out of his wallet, but I do expect the money from Sky, the money for our 5th place Premiership finish, and the money from the sale of Johnson to be made available. What the hell is the money, Bill???

Keith Wyness. I will never need to sing “who ate all the pies” ever again. It was bloody Keith Wyness, that’s who. A supposedly astute businessman, who put all his eggs in the Destination Kirkby basket, then sodded off at the first sign of a problem. His absence will not be mourned.

Robert Earl & Phillip Green. Both of whom seem to be advising Kenwright without providing any financial clout. This situation has probably done more than anything else to cause the confusion around the club. Who does David Moyes turn to when he needs money to sign someone?? God only knows.

It’s been a complete shambles, and the club has become an embarrassment, when we were just on the verge of greatness. Last season was amazing – a Semi final, a long and entertaining run in Europe, and confirmation of our place as the “best of the rest” in the Premiership. Now we go into the opening game of the season with 10 (TEN) available senior players.

But we’ll all be there on Saturday, because that’s what we do. And the club know that. In fact, they’re counting on it. Shame on all of us.

The Great Men of the 19th Century

19th century Britain experienced a revolution. It came to be known as the Industrial Revolution, but in truth it was much far more wide ranging than that. Society experienced a revolution. The country suddenly became a lot smaller as both transport and communication links brought the nation together.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel, was at the heart of it. So was his friend, Robert Stephenson, along with his father, George. But it was started by a Cornishman who died in poverty.

The start of the modern railway age is usually marked by the opening in 1825 of the Stockton & Darlington line. However, the first recorded use of a “railway train” occurred in a very unexpected place. In 1804, Richard Trevethick’s High-pressure steam engine first ran from the Pennydarren Ironworks in Merthyr to the Cardiff Canal, and the Cornish Genius officially began the “Age of Steam”.

Trevethick had tried to use the train at the Coalbrookdale pit in 1802, as a means of transferring the carts of coal to the canal without using horses. However, the heavy engine put so much pressure on the Cast Iron rails, thay they snapped. He gave up on the idea, and gave the train away.

Years later, when George Stephenson was designing the Stockton to Darlington line, he insisted that the tracks be made of Wrought iron, which was much tougher and yet more flexible than cast iron. Instead of snapping under pressure, it would bend. It was also easier to join together smoothly, creating a smoother ride for the carriages which were to run upon it.

George Stephenson began designing railway locomotives in 1812. By 1825, “Locomotion” became the first engine to carry passengers, on the 9 mile stretch of the Stockton to Darlington railway. In 1830, the Liverpool and Manchester railway was opened. George Stephenson's bright yellow locomotive, “Rocket” had won a competition at the famous Rainhill trials, which demonstrated it’s speed and reliability ahead of it’s rivals, “Blucher” and “Novelty”.

Rocket was revolutionary in design. It’s multitube boiler, which sat in the middle of the water rather than just heating it from below, was far more efficient than previous engines. It’s blast pipe exhaust dealt comfortably with the release of pressure, and the pistons were connected directly to the driving wheels at a 45 degree angle, which avoided any jarring motion of a traditional up-and-down piston. Rocket could also travel at over 30 miles per hour, and became the standard bearer for all future locomotives.

In 1823, George Stephenson’s son, Robert, set up his own business to design and build Locomotives. He went on to design the majority of the railways and locomotives which spread like wildfire across Britain over the next fifty years.

The first long distance lines were opened in the first years of Queen Victoria's reign, the London and Birmingham railway in 1838, part of Brunel's London to Bristol route the same year. A railway boom and mania followed during the 1840s, with promoters and speculators planning lines all over Britain. Within 20 years of the first train journey between Stockton and Darlington, 2441 miles of railway were open and 30 million passengers were being carried.

The spread of the railways has one major impact which we take for granted today – Standard time. In 1840, midday was simply whenever the sun was at its highest, whether you were in Edinburgh or London. This meant that 10am in the morning could be as much as 20 minutes out from one end of the country to the other, making it extremely difficult to set railway timetables. The government passed an act to Standardise time and from 1847 everyone in Britain was “on time”.

Expansion of the rail network was rapid and continuous. By 1900, 18,680 miles were in use and over 1100 million passengers were being carried, along with huge quantities of freight.

At the same time as these developments, another genius set about leaving his mark on the 19th century. Isambard Kingdom Brunel was born in 1806, the son of French engineer Marc Isambard Brunel, himself something of a genius. At the age of 16, Isambard began working with his father on the famous Rotherhithe tunnel, under the Thames. Shortly afterwards he turned his attention to designing a bridge across the Avon valley in Bristol. He won a competition which was judged by the great Thomas Telford, who had earlier designed the Menai bridge, connecting Anglesey to North Wales.

Whilst in Bristol, as the bridge building begain to slow, he became aware of rapidly developing railways, and saw his chance to build his very own railway. His plan was to design the fastest railway line in Britain, connecting the businesses of Bristol with the money men of London. He was appointed Chief Engineer of the Great Western Railway in 1833.

Brunel planned a flat, wide rail, which would accommodate large locomotives capable of high speeds. His route was easily planned; turn south towards Bath then across the Thames to Reading and into Paddington. He also knew the size of the track he wanted – 7 foot wide. This was in contrast to the width of track being used by the father and son combination of George and Robert Stephenson, the Geordie geniuses. They advocated the use of 4ft 8ins, simply because it was the gauge of the tramways supplying the colliery in which George had once worked.

However, to Brunel’s dismay, the British Government intervened and in 1846 passed a law which set the 4ft 8in gauge as the standard gauge for all railways in Britain. It eventually became the standard gauge around 90% of the world. By 1892, broad gauge rails had been wiped from the face of Britain.

Despite this, the rail link which Brunel had created from Bristol to London was a huge success. The sweeping curves and the comparitively flat track meant that high speeds could be maintained throughout the journey, and the route included some of the greatest engineering feats of the Victorian age. His tunnel at Box Hill, was the longest tunnel in the world at the time, and the grand facades at the entrance showed the Brunel could add style to some considerable substance. And his bridge over the River Thames at Maidenhead contained the largest spanning arch ever seen.

In 1837, Daniel Gooch, was brought in by the Railway Executive as Chief Mechanical Engineer to design locomotives which would complement this railway. Brunel envisoned wide carriages to provide luxurious conditions for the passengers, whilst speeding along his broad gauge rails. As a result, Gooch designed his famous “Firefly” class engines, with it 2-2-2 wheel formation. By 1840 he had decided to locate the building yards for his fleet of engines in Swindon, where it was to remain for 150 years.

Brunel’s active mind soon turned away from the railways, and he set his focus of Trans-Atlantic travel. In 1836, his latest creation, the Great Western steamship was built, at a length of 236ft. It’s immense size did not hinder it’s progress, and it was soon making return journeys to New York every month, whereas previous ships had taken a month just to reach New York.

But this was not enough for Brunel. He soon went about designing a ship which could comfortably travel back and forth to the colonies in Australia. In 1843, the Great Britain was launched, a ship much larger than the Great Western, at 322ft long. Again Brunel tried something new - it was Propeller driven, as opposed to the the traditional paddle steamers of the time. This gave it extra power and made the journeys shorter, setting the standing for future cross-world navigation.

In 1855, Brunel designed the striking Royal Albert Bridge, over the River Tamar at Saltash near Plymouth, which is as breathtaking in it’s extravagance today as it was then.

Again, Brunel did not rest on his laurels. He sought to overcome the problem of long-distance voyages which were hindered by the need to re-fuel mid-journey. No ships were able to travel to Australia without refuelling, which added to the overrall journey time. In 1859, the Great Eastern was launched. Unthinkable at the time, it was twice the size of the Great Britain, at 692ft, and was designed to carry enough fuel to make it to Australia in one un-interrupted trip.

However, it was a commercial flop and in 1865 was sold to the American businessman Cyrus Field who took advantage of it’s large hull to store and lay telegraph cables along the entire bed of the Atlantic Ocean. Ironically, the Chief Engineer of the telegraph project was Brunel’s former associate, Daniel Gooch. In 1866 the first telegram was sent between New York and London, and once again Brunel’s inventions had (somewhat unwittingly) proven to bring the people of the world that little bit closer.

Brunel was a genius, a forward thinker and passionate speaker, who threw himself whole heartedly into every project. Unfortunately, this approach to his work was ultimately his undoing, and he worked himself into an early grave, never seeing his life’s work, the Clifton suspension bridge, come to fruition. It was completed 5 years after his death.

Ironically, both Robert Stephenson and Isambard Kingdom Brunel died in 1859.

Chelsea Pageant

CHELSEA PAGEANT
Kings, queens, cavalry, and musketeers gathered in the grounds of the Royal Hospital Chelsea to celebrate the Hospital’s long life with music, soldiers, horses and fireworks.

The event was held in support of the Chelsea Pensioners’ Appeal, which was created in 2004 to raise funds for the care of future generations of Chelsea Pensioners.
Luminaries of stage and screen provided voices of famous figures featured in the Pageant, as the audience was taken on a romp through the history of the Hospital - from its founding by King Charles II in the 17th century.

The Pageant featured the military ‘on parade’ including soldiers from The Life Guards’ Mounted Squadron, the Company of Pikemen and Musketeers of the Honourable Artillery Company.

£25 million has been raised towards the £35 million target, with money raised from the Pageant contributing towards the remaining £10 million needed to complete a new Infirmary.

Art for Art's sake

ROSALIND FREEBORN

Rosalind Freeborn is a gifted artist and creator of unique collages. She is based in the cultural melting pot of Muswell Hill, and finds inspiration all around her “I absolutely love Muswell Hill. It's like a village really.”

To develop her passion, Rosalind would “take endless evening classes” before graduating from the London City & Guilds with a Post Graduate Diploma.

She can often be found exhibiting her work at the Farmers Market, Alexandra Palace, which she believes is “a brilliant place to meet friends”

Using her home “on the Hill” as a gallery, Rosalind also sells pieces through many local shops. She believes that the people and sights which are found within Muswell Hill are part of her inspiration.

“....with the portraits I'd wanted to convey that feeling of theatre which exists in small, individually run shops, which we have in Muswell Hill - that you've come into someone's space, that you're sharing their passion....they all have that 'come into the my world' look”

Citing such influences as Henri Matisse, Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque, Rosalind has created her own style, resulting in vivid images which are visually stunning as well as rich in detail. Visit her website (www.rosalindfreeborn.co.uk) to see for yourself.

Upcoming Exhibition

An exhibition is to be held at ‘The Photographer’s Gallery’, Great Newport Street from the 21st June to the 6th July, to mark the launch of “freshfacedandwildeyed08”. This will showcase the best UK photography by recent BA and MA graduates.

The Photographer’s Gallery has always supported emerging photographic talent, through its Graduate Award (1998-2007) which celebrated Photography MA students from the Royal College of Art. The Gallery is responding to the development of photographers and artists who are producing particularly innovative and creative work.

Students are invited to submit up to 8 images of their work to www.photonet.org.uk by the 21st May 2008, and provide details of their course leader for verification of graduation, along with 100 words about their submission.

A panel of experts will judge the online submissions – Melanie Manchot (artist), Sarah Kent (writer), Brett Rogers (Photographer’s Gallery director) and Marta Weiss (Curator of Photographs, V&A). Up to 25 bodies of work will be selected for exhibition at the Gallery, and will be available to view on-line.

“Freshfacedandwildeyed08” demonstrates the Photographer’s Gallery’s commitment to recognising, nurturing and supporting photographic talent in the UK.

JOE WIGHTMAN

Going back to school

I find, as I get older, that my thirst for knowledge is increasing. I’ve always had a trivial brain, with an innate ability to store useless information and recount it at just the right occasion. My best friend’s wife is often keen to remind me that my gravestone should read “the sh*t he knew...”

I’ve always believed that being able to store information doesn’t necessarily make you intelligent. I know a little bit about a lot of things, whereas intelligent people know a lot about one thing. Sure, Kasparov was a chess Grand Master, but could he beat me over 20 questions about the Premier League? I don’t think so.

At school, I learnt enough to pass exams, but no more. I didn’t build up great knowledge about a specific subject, just what the teacher suspected the exam question would focus on. Which meant that a lot of the specific knowledge about the Napoleonic Wars, the formation of an Ox-bow lake, or Coleridge’s use of onomatopoeia, just slipped away. I had nothing to anchor it to.

But now I want to learn real things, not just what year “Take on me” was released, who was the last player to score 20 goals a season for Everton, or how to get from Spielberg’s “Hook” to the recent “Iron Man” in just one move**.

I tried going back to College a few years ago, where I studied Astronomy (stargazing, not fortune telling) but the rest of the class was filled with people who had been rejected from Robot Wars so it put me off. This year I tried again. Inspired by the need to keen to kick start a career which has meandered along for too long, I enrolled in “A”-level Media Studies at my local college. It was going to be night classes so I wasn’t too scared about my age making me stand out from the other students. How wrong I was.

I’m not the ugliest guy in the world, but I’m not the prettiest either. I’m not the tallest, or the shortest. I’m not the fattest, or the thinnest. I’m somewhere in between all of these, but with one distinguishable mark - my hair is going grey. In fact, it’s been going grey since I was 18, just at the temples but in the last few years it’s become more virulent at the sides and back, with a few flecks on top. No big deal, you might think, for someone who recently turned 33, but I still feel quite self conscious about it.

And this wasn’t helped when, in only my 3rd lesson of my new Media Studies course, the girl next to me turned to say “my step dad’s the same age as you...”

Clang!!!!. The sudden realisation that I was stuck for a year with a room full of people who were born in the 1990’s! I was born in the mid 70’s and ’grew up’ in the 80’s (a very happy decade) but none of my fellow students were even alive at this point.

I was immediately aware that there were certain “cliques” within the classroom, and I was never going to part of the “cool” gang. And I didn’t want to be, I’m a married civil servant for crying out loud, I don’t need that kind of status confirmation. But the thought of dealing with classroom politics after 15 years away didn’t appeal to me, and some of the jibes about my age were actually starting to hurt. Imagine that?

Then, just I was on the brink of quitting, I had an epiphany. A flash of light, a moment of clarity, if you will. These were just kids, I’m much older and far wiser. I know more than they will ever learn, and I can cut them down with a lash of my wit. I began to establish myself within the class, made a few friends, and began to settle in. I even made a smoking buddy!

By the time the first exam came around I was very nervous. I hadn’t sat an exam since the last year of my degree in 1997, so I was rusty. And the last time I sat an exam, mobile phones were a thing of the future, so it didn’t occur to me that I might need to switch it off, rather than just leave it in my pocket. And, of course, the inevitable happened.....

But I got an “A” for the exam which was my first ever. I got D’s for my previous four A levels, and wasn’t used to the feeling of being top of the class. I forgot the age old mantra that with great power comes great responsibility, which is just as well because it doesn’t apply here. However, what I should have remembered was that that with personal success comes jealousy and resentment, so perhaps I shouldn’t have bragged so loudly.

Anyway, that filled me with confidence and I went about compiling my coursework, which consisted of choosing a film genre, writing a script, storyboarding it, then designing a Poster campaign to accompany it. It was fantastically hard work, but really enjoyable. Everyone else chose horror, comedy, romance etc. I dared to be different, and chose a Western (See above).

Apparently I’ve done really well in the coursework, but I won’t know for sure until after the second exam in June. But this whole year has been an incredibly rewarding experience. If nothing else, it’s got me out of the house on a Thursday night and I’ve learnt some new skills. Plus, from my youthful friends I learnt that an EMO is the new term for a Goth. You see, I’m hip, I’m with it, I’m down with the kids. Oh dear.....


** The answer we were looking for was Gwyneth Paltrow.....that’s Gwyneth Paltrow. Thanks for playing.

Iron Man

It was good. You should go see it. Now.

In all seriousness, if you’ve never seen a Marvel comic strip, or subsequent film adapation in your life, then you should see this film. And you’ll really enjoy it.
If you have read the Marvel comic strips, you should still see this film. But you might not enjoy it as much.

Perhaps I overhyped it. I was never a big Marvel or DC fan, but I had a few comic books and decided pretty early on in my life that Iron Man was my favourite. Probably because at the time (early 1980’s) I was coming to terms with my adoration of Boba Fett, from the Star Wars trilogy. And there are a number of comparison’s to be made.

They bask in the shadows, for instance. Boba Fett stands behind Darth Vader and Jabba the Hutt whenever he is on screen. Iron Man stood in the shadows of more famous comic book superheroes for years, such as Superman, Batman, Spiderman etc. So it could be argued that they were both cult figures. They are both flawed “heroes” in as much as Boba Fett iced Han Solo and collected the bounty, but you’d still want to be him. And Tony Stark, the man behind Iron Man, is a flawed human being, selling arms to the highest bidder whilst attempting to drink himself into an early grave.

But more important than any other comparison is this - they both have really cool armoured suits, and mean looking crash helmets. And they can both fly.

This film has been in development hell since 1990, when Universal Studios first bought the rights to it. Since then it’s been sold on to 20th Century Fox, New Line Cinema and eventually to Marvel Studios. Nicholas Cage and Tom Cruise have both been linked with a starring role, and even Quentin Tarantino wanted to write the script.

Now Jon Favreau (yes, it really is billionaire Ultimate Fighting Chump Pete Becker from Friends) has unleashed his first ‘action’ movie, following modest success with Elf and Zathura. Robert Downey jnr was an inspired piece of casting, with Downey jnr quoted as saying he “wanted to make a film that people would actually go to see”. This followed some relatively poor box office performances (although excellent DVD sales) of his recent Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

I read the Da Vinci code before the film came out, and I enjoyed the film. My wife hadn’t read the book and she LOVED the film. But I felt that certain aspects of the film had been glossed over, and the jaw dropping moments at the end of each chapter were replaced with a high-tempo chase. This could apply to my reaction at the closing credits of Iron Man. I had looked forward to this film for a number of years and I did enjoy it, but it didn’t satisfy me. I wanted more. A lot of the enticing lines which were shown in the trailer were cut, and the film seemed to be rushed through. Maybe I just wanted to see more of the Gold and Red suit.

Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t annoying at all, despite my worst fears. Jeff Bridges is excellent as Obediah Stane, Stark’s business partner and friend, whilst Terrence Howard seems to sleepwalk through most of the film.
The whole cast, and director have been signed on for another two films, with the first sequel to be released in 2010. So perhaps this is a work in progress. It’s a really good film. Just not a great film.

An epic rough guide to Florida

Florida, the sunshine state, the happiest place on earth, the land of a thousand smiles blah blah blah. I’m the biggest moaner in the world, I criticise radio adverts for their poor use of grammar, and chastise news readers for not pronouncing their “g” in words which end “ing”. So would I cope with a fortnight at Disneyworld?

Disneyworld had never been one of my preferred destinations. All that fakery and mock cheerfulness never appealed to me. My ideal holiday was to one of the Greek islands, sitting on a beach or relaxing on a lilo. No squeaky voices, no obesity, and no Mickey Mouse. Just grumpy fishermen and kebabs.

However, for my honeymoon, I wanted to do something unusual. Something I had never done, and something I would never do again. Unfortunately, I had already been to the Maldives (where I had proposed) so that “once in a lifetime” holiday had been and gone. Florida was chosen, flying Virgin Altlantic, don’tcha know. Seatback tv, free drinks and ice cream all the way across the ocean, travelling on a plane which was taller than my house. We had arranged car hire, but the “Florida effect” took over as soon as we went to collect it.

“Uh, for a small additional fee, sir, we can upgrade you lovely newlyweds to a car of your choice”.

The words “wow, really..?” escaped my lips and I was immediately suckered in to the Florida way of life. So instead of a free “Compact” car, we ended up with a large, blue convertible. The “small additional fee”, by the way, came to £250 for the fortnight, but that didn’t seem to matter at the time. And once I was behind the wheel of my Chrysler Sebring, cruising along the freeway with the roof down, sun baking down on my un-lotioned forehead, the cynicism, criticism and moans which were so virulent back in Britain started to melt away.



Then we hit the Parks, one by one, for fourteen days. Magic Kingdom was first.

Make no mistake, Magic Kingdom is a beast of a park, with 5 main zones (Main Street USA, Frontierland, Adventureland, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland) surrounding the iconic Fairytale Castle. The sweet smell of cinammon eminates from the bountiful candy stores, whilst the pavement gushes air conditioning at you to keep you cool. A lot of thought has gone into this place!

Splash Mountain (log flume) , Space Mountain (rollercoaster through the galaxy) and Pirates of the Caribbean (enough said) are the obvious main attractions, but in every corner of the park there is a hidden gem, from the exotic Jungle Cruise to the hilarious Buzz Lightyear, from the Barnstormer to Peter Pan. The very essence of Disney is encapsulated within “It’s a small world”. A boat cruise around thousands of (hopefully) fake children, from all corners of the globe, to the backing tune of a repetitive, ear piercingly annoying yet somehow catchy song. My journey into happiness had begun.

Animal Kingdom was next. I should confess that I love this park. In terms of walking, this is probably the smallest of the Disney Parks, as a lot of acreage is taken up by the Safari section. But once again the thought that has been put into making this park a reality is awesome. From the incredible Tree of Life, which sits in the middle of the park and is visible from all around, to the famous Jeep Safari itself, this park is heaven.

The Dinosaur ride is my personal favourites, a speedy trip back in time to the last days of our predecessors, and whilst the Expedition Everest rollercoaster is not my cup of tea, it is the standout attraction of the park. But the essence of this park is found strolling through the “Africa” zone, surrounded by lush greenery whilst the jungle drums beat away. Imagine the planet Endor, from Return of the Jedi, and you’ll have some idea.

MGM / Hollywood studios was something of a disappointment. I was really looking forward to seeing the Indiana Jones spectacular, and the Car Stunt show. But the problem with this park is that there are more scheduled shows than rides, which means that you find yourself rushing across the park to be in position for the beginning of the next performance. Your flexibility is tightened and your freedom restrained. Once again, the park looks amazing, and the Backlot tour is worth the visit alone (I was an “extra” in “Harbour Attack”).

But overall too much of your time is spent looking at your watch. My wife’s favourite was the Tower of Terror, a very creative journey into the Twilight Zone where all seems well until your elevator cable snaps, but once again this was not for me. Heights, see, not a big fan. I was most looking forward to Star Tours, and I did enjoy it, but the effects look sadly dated (compared to Mission:Space and Shuttle Launch) and the annoying voice of Paul Reubens (PeeWee Herman) almost ruined it for me. And the Car Stunt show was very exciting for the first 10 minutes, but by the time they had set up the third stunt, I was checking my exits. MGM/ Hollywood is a great park, but falls short of its brothers and sisters.(Please see Postscript below)

Seaworld was beautiful. We fed Seals & Sealions, touched Dolphins and watched the fantastic Shamu ( the Killer Whale) show. After three days of Disney mania, this was a much needed break. If you like the water and it’s inhabitants, you’ll love this place. If you don’t, you won’t.

Then, something different. We drove out to NASA’s Kennedy Space Centre, which is roughly an hour away from the heart of Disney, or two hours if you have my navigator. After spending days in parks where imagination was no barrier to fun, this “park” provided a dose of realism. Here, imagination was nurtured and developed to such a point that they put a man on the moon. Disney was fun, this was real.

I felt quite humbled as we toured past the massive Vehicle Assembly building, and trundled on towards the Shuttle launchpad. The IMAX movies about the moon landings were stirring, and the Missile garden was awesome. I even met a genuine Astronaut, Jerry Carr, who set a record for the longest time in space when he was in Spacelab. It can be a little eerie out there in the middle of nowhere, absorbing all the man has achieved. I loved it at Kennedy but to be honest I was quite glad to get back to the hustle and bustle of I-drive that night.(Please see Postscript below)

The next day was spent at Universal Studios and I left the park exclaiming that his was my favourite park in Orlando (I was to be proven wrong the very next day, though). This park has it all – live action stunts and 3D films featuring the Terminator, shooting at aliens in Men in Black, escaping the great white in Jaws and one of the best rides in Orlando – the Revenge of the Mummy. This is terrifying, but fantastic because it’s fast and swervy and frightening but doesn’t go very high! I love this park.

And then the best day of the fortnight. A light breakfast of Frosties in our bedroom, and then straight down the I-4 to Epcot. This was the one park that took me a while to get my bearings, even with a map, but everything here appealed to me. The G-force lift off during Mission:Space, the speed of TestTrack, the comparative calm of The Seas with Nemo and the absolute beauty of Soarin’. I’ve mentioned that I’m not a fan of heights, but in Soarin’ I was too focused on hang gliding down the Californian coastline. It was magical. Even Ellen’s Energy Adventure was fascinating despite it’s long running time.

Once we’d absorbed Futureworld we headed to the World Showcase, to experience every country from Canada to Mexico. It’s all a little patronising to the country’s involved, and if our disbelief when touring the British section was anything to go by, then the Japanese, Chinese and French visitors must have felt the same.

But it’s great to be able to lose yourself for a couple of hours, and once more the creativity produced here, especially in areas such as Morocco and Norway make the trip around the world worthwhile. We finished at the Mexican cantina, sipping our cool Fanta’s, watching the sun go down over the lake. It was beautiful. Then we headed back to Futureworld and made the most of the reduced, late-evening queueing times before the wonderful Firework display lit up the skies. Absolute bliss.

It was unfair on Universal’s “Islands of Adventure” that we should visit the day after Epcot, as it could have been an anti-climax. Also, it was the first cloudy day of the fortnight, which was unfortunate bearing in mind the number of log flumes we were about to ride. We needed it to be hot! Islands is very much aimed at a younger audience, with more thrill rides than it’s neighbour, such as the Hulk and Duelling Dragons which I avoided these(Please see Postscript below). However, I did enjoy Jurassic Park, Ripsaw Falls, Bilge Rat barges and Spiderman. At least Spiderman was dry! That was until the simulated drop of 400ft, which caused a few new puddles......

Spiderman is the best pound for pound ride in Orlando, right up there with Dinosaur (Animal Kingdom), the Mummy (Universal) and Mission:Space and Soarin’ (Epcot). There you go, my top 5 rides in Orlando.

Then we revisited the parks in reverse order, ending up at Magic Kingdom on the last day of the holiday, watching more fireworks and eating more jellybeans. Fortunately, for all the junk we ate during the days, and the sheer volume we ate during the nights, we spent the whole of the next day walking for miles around the parks, so the overall weight gain was minimal. But you kind of understand why so many American’s have to travel around in buggy’s. Ponderosa and Sizzler were the best value for money-£13 in total for 2 meals which included unlimited buffet followed by the biggest, juiciest steaks I had ever eaten. And a mountain of fries.

Our hotel was opposite the Pointe Orlando, with it’s bars, restaurants and glitzy shops. But the added bonus was the cinema which we visited on one particularly quiet night. It was literally us and one other couple in the cinema, watching Harry Potter in 3D on a IMAX screen you could see from the moon! We were never short of places to eat on I-drive, and spent many nights drinking up at Universal’s Citywalk. The Lone Palm airport was our favourite spot for “people watching”.

Florida has something for everyone. It’s hot, but not dry. It rains, but not for long. It’s busy, but quiet corners can be found everywhere. This really was a once in a lifetime holiday. We’re going back in June......


POSTSCRIPT. Following our return visit in June 2008, I must to re-evaluate my opinion of two parks in particular. I owe a thousand apologies to Kennedy Space Centre and MGM/Hollywood Studios for my rather dismissive review of what they had to offer. Yes, on the first visit I felt that the attractions were limited because most of them were shows, not rides. But this was only because of my fears were holding me back! However, during the return journey, a funny thing happenned - I got brave.

On the first day of our second visit, my wife convinced my to have a go at Expedition Everest. Animal Kingdom was quiet, so no queueing and no chance for my nerves to build up. Now don't get me wrong, it was very high and I spent the initial climb with my eyes closed, but as soon as we were at the top I could appreciate what a fantastic ride it was, with so much thought put into it. I went straight back on it and whooped and hollered my ass off. From that point on, Florida offerred a brand new thrilling experience for me.

Two rides were always going to be out of reach for me - The Hulk at Islands of Adventure and The Kraken at Seaworld. These are just rides which go high, and although there are many twists and turns, it's not a ride, just a rollercoaster. But so many rides which I had dismissed before as "not for me, thankyou" were back on the agenda. I'm ashamed to say that on my first visit, I refused to go on Big Thunder Mountain at Magic Kingdom (all of these fears stem from a bad experience at Alton Towers years ago. Seriously) but I can't believe how tame it was. That said, it's still a great ride and I went on it again and again the second time.

Islands of Adventures' Duelling Dragons, where two rollercoasters run parallel to each other, and come within inches of touching, was also ticked off my list. It's brilliant.



But Kennedy and MGM/Hollywood deserve most attention here. For Kennedy in particular, my opinion of the park was based solely on the nightmare journey we had getting there. We got lost, and it's a strange corner of Florida with not much around and thus I was very happy to get back to the madness of I-drive in the evening. But on the second visit, we didn't get lost. It took 45 minutes to drive out there, and we arrived just in time to see the GLAST rocket being launched into space. It was an amazing experience, and one that will always stay with me.

MGM/Hollywood sufferred because on both visits it seemed to be the hottest days of the fortnight, and there are no "wet" rides to cool you down. And also I wouldn't go on Tower of Terror or Rock'n'rollercoaster. But this time we managed to spend 12 hours at the park and were almost the last people to leave, it was that good. Allright, I'll admit it was during a "Star Wars weekend" so there was a Star Wars parade and some of the actors made appearances, and I got my photo taken with Boba Fett, and it was the month after Toy Story Mania had opened so there were a lot of things going for it.

Now I'll admit to loading the dice in our favour here. When we first visited Florida, it was our honeymoon and we got some Disney "Just married" badges which won us some goodwill and favourable seating on many rides. Well, yes, we wore them a year later on our second visit and boy did it pay off! Toy Story Mania had a waiting time of 2 hours, so my wife and I went in the Single Rider queue and to be honest we were happy to experience the ride separately. However, the "seater" clocked our badges and managed to squeeze us on together - after we had waited for 3 minutes. A saving of one hour, 57 minutes thanks to the badges. I shouldn't be proud of myself, but I am. And Toy Story Mania was brilliantly designed and lots of fun.

Rock'n'rollercoaster is my kind of 'coaster in as much as it goes very fast and not too high. And the layout inside is amazing. Plus I felt extra safe in the low seats of the car. We then managed to get great seats for the night-time firework display "Fantasmic" which was sensational and I was brave enough to experience the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, where the badges worked for us again!

Going on this ride is a big deal for someone with a fear of heights, as this is essentially a broken lift which goes up and down at speed and opens it's doors to the outside world. Quite scary. I'd finally summoned up the nerve to go on during the afternoon, and once Fantasmic had finished we considered going home for the night. But we noticed that it was 10:55 and we had five minutes left to go on one more ride. We dashed down to T.Z.T.O.T. as it was nearest and they closed the gate behind us, which added to the spookiness. We were officially the last people in the queue. Then as we were about to get into our lift, a smashing British girl held us back and said that as it was our honeymoon we'd get to ride alone - she even took our photo for us!! I felt bad about that, but we were the last people to ride T.Z.T.O.T. that night and we got to do it all alone. It was magical.

The abolition of the 10p tax rate and other rants...

I don’t like making political statements. I always thought that people who spouted off about the state of politics in this country needed to look outside our borders to see just how badly off other people are.

For instance, people in Britain complain about the rising number of immigrants in this country, and I have been known to mumble angry utterances myself. But I understand that there is a reason for the mass migration we have witnessed in the last few years. We should be proud that our country is seen as the promised land for these people. I can see this argument from both points of view, as for every immigrant who comes to Britain to work hard, there is another who comes here to claim benefits.

However, one argument I cannot and will not see from both sides is the abolition of the 10p income tax rate. I simply cannot get my head around it. And I’m fairly intelligent. I’m no computer programmer, or quantum mechanic, but I’ve got a number of A-levels under my belt, and a Degree in Politics from the finest Polytechnic / University that money could afford.

I’m one of “Thatcher’s children”. I grew up in the 1980’s and for the first years of my life all I knew was life under the Tories. Labour were spearheaded by some comical Welsh bloke and fat guy with a lisp. They had no chance of coming to power, no matter how badly the incumbent government behaved. The man who turned this all around, and made Labour a prominent political force, was John Smith, who led the Labour party for 2 years until his untimely death in 1994. During this short time, he turned the Labour Party into genuine contenders, and for the first time in 15 years the party looked like a potential government-in-waiting.

Tony Blair took the reigns and led the party to General Election success in 1997. All was sweetness and light, apart from the dour Chancellor of the Exchequer, a Mr G. Brown from Scotland. For the next 10 years, whilst Tony rode the Prime Ministerial rollercoaster, Gordon Brown behaved like a petulant child sitting in the back of Tony’s car. “Are we there yet? Is it my turn to govern??”. No Gordon, not for a while.

And so here we are, the petulant child has been placed at the Head of the British government, and he is unravelling quicker than the woolly jumper my Aunty knitted for my 8th birthday.

The Labour party was forged in the early 20th century by the Unions, the working class men. They were a party created for the people, by the people. They represented the subordinate proletariat, whilst opposing the oppression of their bourgeois leaders. Not communism, you understand, but closer to it for comfort than the Tories liked.

In my political studies, I explored most theologies and ideologies that existed. From the anguished thoughts of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, to the wonderfully eloquent writings of Thomas Paine. And yet despite all of this, I am unable to see how the Labour party has evolved into a party for the rich people, by the rich people. Keir Hardie and Ramsay Macdonald will be turning in their graves.

The abolition of the 10p tax rate is nothing short of a sin. It’s criminally hurtful to those who can afford it the least. Put simply, this new tax rate takes more money from people who earn less than £18,000 a year and gives it back to those who earn more. So the old phrase of the poor getting poorer has never been so accurate.

This is a policy which a Labour party Prime Minister has introduced. I simply cannot believe this. I know that New Labour has very little to do with the origins of the Labour Party, but surely this is the final cut of the umbilical. The Labour government has found a way to punish low earners for earning low wages. It’s the ultimate insult from a man who has never been elected Prime Minister, and yet sits on his throne taking our money.

As I said, I’m one of Thatcher’s children. Brought up opposing Maggie and all she stood for, whilst hoping that the heroic Labour party would one day sweep in and clear the Tories out. It makes me wonder if it’s better to vote for a political party because it’s what you’ve always done, and it’s what your parents have always done, and their parents before them or whether it’s more beneficial to not attach yourself to one party. To have no long-term political persuasion. To hedge my bets, and spend time actually listening to what the candidates have to say, hoping against hope that something they say might resonate with me and allow me to think “yeah......you’re worthy of my vote”.

Perhaps this is more pertinent in it’s identification of an awful truth. There are no political parties anymore. There are groups of people with leaders, but politics has very little to do with it. Ask David Cameron about his political ideology and you’d struggle to get a coherent answer. Ask Gordon Brown the same and you’d struggle to get a coherent sentence. For the life of me I can’t remember the Liberal Party’s leader, although it may be Nick Clegg.

The recent Primaries and Caucuses in the USA have shown me that there is still room for passionate people in politics, that it’s more than just sound bites for the media. I would love to feel moved by the oratory of a political candidate the way the American’s are by Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Ultimately, I fear that the closeness of the race Democratic nomination will be the parties’ undoing, with infighting and divisions allowing the Republic nominee, John McCain, to coast in to the White House. But at least it’s got people talking about politics over there.

What does the UK need to get us interested in Politics again??

ADDITIONAL NOTES 07/05/08

The recent Council elections have shown that I am not the only person to be angered by the Labour Party’s apparent contempt for the voters. Mr Gordon Brown is not out of the game yet, but he is certainly being handed his hat. And I am very pleased with this outcome, because it proves that people can still be moved by politics. Staunch Labour supporters have turned their backs on the party exclaiming “enough is enough”.

What concerns me is the “sound bite” syndrome which followed. Gordon Brown told anyone he could find that he “is listening” and he “will learn”. I don’t think he will. Call me an old cynic, but I think he will continue right on with his own agenda until he finds himself sat outside number 10 with the bobby minding the door asking him to move along.

Even the retraction of the 10p tax abolition rings hollow. Those who suffered the most will be reimbursed, they promise. This is not a U-turn, but a return to the needs of the voters, apparently. No promises of when this will happen, or how to find out about it, not even on the infamous DirectGov website. Surely it would be simpler to just bring the old tax system back, but no, it seems easier to continue the tax, but reimburse those hit the hardest with money extracted from the Winter Heating Allowance fund.

Robbing Peter to pay Paul, perhaps?