Florida, the sunshine state, the happiest place on earth, the land of a thousand smiles blah blah blah. I’m the biggest moaner in the world, I criticise radio adverts for their poor use of grammar, and chastise news readers for not pronouncing their “g” in words which end “ing”. So would I cope with a fortnight at Disneyworld?
Disneyworld had never been one of my preferred destinations. All that fakery and mock cheerfulness never appealed to me. My ideal holiday was to one of the Greek islands, sitting on a beach or relaxing on a lilo. No squeaky voices, no obesity, and no Mickey Mouse. Just grumpy fishermen and kebabs.
However, for my honeymoon, I wanted to do something unusual. Something I had never done, and something I would never do again. Unfortunately, I had already been to the Maldives (where I had proposed) so that “once in a lifetime” holiday had been and gone. Florida was chosen, flying Virgin Altlantic, don’tcha know. Seatback tv, free drinks and ice cream all the way across the ocean, travelling on a plane which was taller than my house. We had arranged car hire, but the “Florida effect” took over as soon as we went to collect it.
“Uh, for a small additional fee, sir, we can upgrade you lovely newlyweds to a car of your choice”.
The words “wow, really..?” escaped my lips and I was immediately suckered in to the Florida way of life. So instead of a free “Compact” car, we ended up with a large, blue convertible. The “small additional fee”, by the way, came to £250 for the fortnight, but that didn’t seem to matter at the time. And once I was behind the wheel of my Chrysler Sebring, cruising along the freeway with the roof down, sun baking down on my un-lotioned forehead, the cynicism, criticism and moans which were so virulent back in Britain started to melt away.
Then we hit the Parks, one by one, for fourteen days. Magic Kingdom was first.
Make no mistake, Magic Kingdom is a beast of a park, with 5 main zones (Main Street USA, Frontierland, Adventureland, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland) surrounding the iconic Fairytale Castle. The sweet smell of cinammon eminates from the bountiful candy stores, whilst the pavement gushes air conditioning at you to keep you cool. A lot of thought has gone into this place!
Splash Mountain (log flume) , Space Mountain (rollercoaster through the galaxy) and Pirates of the Caribbean (enough said) are the obvious main attractions, but in every corner of the park there is a hidden gem, from the exotic Jungle Cruise to the hilarious Buzz Lightyear, from the Barnstormer to Peter Pan. The very essence of Disney is encapsulated within “It’s a small world”. A boat cruise around thousands of (hopefully) fake children, from all corners of the globe, to the backing tune of a repetitive, ear piercingly annoying yet somehow catchy song. My journey into happiness had begun.
Animal Kingdom was next. I should confess that I love this park. In terms of walking, this is probably the smallest of the Disney Parks, as a lot of acreage is taken up by the Safari section. But once again the thought that has been put into making this park a reality is awesome. From the incredible Tree of Life, which sits in the middle of the park and is visible from all around, to the famous Jeep Safari itself, this park is heaven.
The Dinosaur ride is my personal favourites, a speedy trip back in time to the last days of our predecessors, and whilst the Expedition Everest rollercoaster is not my cup of tea, it is the standout attraction of the park. But the essence of this park is found strolling through the “Africa” zone, surrounded by lush greenery whilst the jungle drums beat away. Imagine the planet Endor, from Return of the Jedi, and you’ll have some idea.
MGM / Hollywood studios was something of a disappointment. I was really looking forward to seeing the Indiana Jones spectacular, and the Car Stunt show. But the problem with this park is that there are more scheduled shows than rides, which means that you find yourself rushing across the park to be in position for the beginning of the next performance. Your flexibility is tightened and your freedom restrained. Once again, the park looks amazing, and the Backlot tour is worth the visit alone (I was an “extra” in “Harbour Attack”).
But overall too much of your time is spent looking at your watch. My wife’s favourite was the Tower of Terror, a very creative journey into the Twilight Zone where all seems well until your elevator cable snaps, but once again this was not for me. Heights, see, not a big fan. I was most looking forward to Star Tours, and I did enjoy it, but the effects look sadly dated (compared to Mission:Space and Shuttle Launch) and the annoying voice of Paul Reubens (PeeWee Herman) almost ruined it for me. And the Car Stunt show was very exciting for the first 10 minutes, but by the time they had set up the third stunt, I was checking my exits. MGM/ Hollywood is a great park, but falls short of its brothers and sisters.(Please see Postscript below)
Seaworld was beautiful. We fed Seals & Sealions, touched Dolphins and watched the fantastic Shamu ( the Killer Whale) show. After three days of Disney mania, this was a much needed break. If you like the water and it’s inhabitants, you’ll love this place. If you don’t, you won’t.
Then, something different. We drove out to NASA’s Kennedy Space Centre, which is roughly an hour away from the heart of Disney, or two hours if you have my navigator. After spending days in parks where imagination was no barrier to fun, this “park” provided a dose of realism. Here, imagination was nurtured and developed to such a point that they put a man on the moon. Disney was fun, this was real.
I felt quite humbled as we toured past the massive Vehicle Assembly building, and trundled on towards the Shuttle launchpad. The IMAX movies about the moon landings were stirring, and the Missile garden was awesome. I even met a genuine Astronaut, Jerry Carr, who set a record for the longest time in space when he was in Spacelab. It can be a little eerie out there in the middle of nowhere, absorbing all the man has achieved. I loved it at Kennedy but to be honest I was quite glad to get back to the hustle and bustle of I-drive that night.(Please see Postscript below)
The next day was spent at Universal Studios and I left the park exclaiming that his was my favourite park in Orlando (I was to be proven wrong the very next day, though). This park has it all – live action stunts and 3D films featuring the Terminator, shooting at aliens in Men in Black, escaping the great white in Jaws and one of the best rides in Orlando – the Revenge of the Mummy. This is terrifying, but fantastic because it’s fast and swervy and frightening but doesn’t go very high! I love this park.
And then the best day of the fortnight. A light breakfast of Frosties in our bedroom, and then straight down the I-4 to Epcot. This was the one park that took me a while to get my bearings, even with a map, but everything here appealed to me. The G-force lift off during Mission:Space, the speed of TestTrack, the comparative calm of The Seas with Nemo and the absolute beauty of Soarin’. I’ve mentioned that I’m not a fan of heights, but in Soarin’ I was too focused on hang gliding down the Californian coastline. It was magical. Even Ellen’s Energy Adventure was fascinating despite it’s long running time.
Once we’d absorbed Futureworld we headed to the World Showcase, to experience every country from Canada to Mexico. It’s all a little patronising to the country’s involved, and if our disbelief when touring the British section was anything to go by, then the Japanese, Chinese and French visitors must have felt the same.
But it’s great to be able to lose yourself for a couple of hours, and once more the creativity produced here, especially in areas such as Morocco and Norway make the trip around the world worthwhile. We finished at the Mexican cantina, sipping our cool Fanta’s, watching the sun go down over the lake. It was beautiful. Then we headed back to Futureworld and made the most of the reduced, late-evening queueing times before the wonderful Firework display lit up the skies. Absolute bliss.
It was unfair on Universal’s “Islands of Adventure” that we should visit the day after Epcot, as it could have been an anti-climax. Also, it was the first cloudy day of the fortnight, which was unfortunate bearing in mind the number of log flumes we were about to ride. We needed it to be hot! Islands is very much aimed at a younger audience, with more thrill rides than it’s neighbour, such as the Hulk and Duelling Dragons which I avoided these(Please see Postscript below). However, I did enjoy Jurassic Park, Ripsaw Falls, Bilge Rat barges and Spiderman. At least Spiderman was dry! That was until the simulated drop of 400ft, which caused a few new puddles......
Spiderman is the best pound for pound ride in Orlando, right up there with Dinosaur (Animal Kingdom), the Mummy (Universal) and Mission:Space and Soarin’ (Epcot). There you go, my top 5 rides in Orlando.
Then we revisited the parks in reverse order, ending up at Magic Kingdom on the last day of the holiday, watching more fireworks and eating more jellybeans. Fortunately, for all the junk we ate during the days, and the sheer volume we ate during the nights, we spent the whole of the next day walking for miles around the parks, so the overall weight gain was minimal. But you kind of understand why so many American’s have to travel around in buggy’s. Ponderosa and Sizzler were the best value for money-£13 in total for 2 meals which included unlimited buffet followed by the biggest, juiciest steaks I had ever eaten. And a mountain of fries.
Our hotel was opposite the Pointe Orlando, with it’s bars, restaurants and glitzy shops. But the added bonus was the cinema which we visited on one particularly quiet night. It was literally us and one other couple in the cinema, watching Harry Potter in 3D on a IMAX screen you could see from the moon! We were never short of places to eat on I-drive, and spent many nights drinking up at Universal’s Citywalk. The Lone Palm airport was our favourite spot for “people watching”.
Florida has something for everyone. It’s hot, but not dry. It rains, but not for long. It’s busy, but quiet corners can be found everywhere. This really was a once in a lifetime holiday. We’re going back in June......
POSTSCRIPT. Following our return visit in June 2008, I must to re-evaluate my opinion of two parks in particular. I owe a thousand apologies to Kennedy Space Centre and MGM/Hollywood Studios for my rather dismissive review of what they had to offer. Yes, on the first visit I felt that the attractions were limited because most of them were shows, not rides. But this was only because of my fears were holding me back! However, during the return journey, a funny thing happenned - I got brave.
On the first day of our second visit, my wife convinced my to have a go at Expedition Everest. Animal Kingdom was quiet, so no queueing and no chance for my nerves to build up. Now don't get me wrong, it was very high and I spent the initial climb with my eyes closed, but as soon as we were at the top I could appreciate what a fantastic ride it was, with so much thought put into it. I went straight back on it and whooped and hollered my ass off. From that point on, Florida offerred a brand new thrilling experience for me.
Two rides were always going to be out of reach for me - The Hulk at Islands of Adventure and The Kraken at Seaworld. These are just rides which go high, and although there are many twists and turns, it's not a ride, just a rollercoaster. But so many rides which I had dismissed before as "not for me, thankyou" were back on the agenda. I'm ashamed to say that on my first visit, I refused to go on Big Thunder Mountain at Magic Kingdom (all of these fears stem from a bad experience at Alton Towers years ago. Seriously) but I can't believe how tame it was. That said, it's still a great ride and I went on it again and again the second time.
Islands of Adventures' Duelling Dragons, where two rollercoasters run parallel to each other, and come within inches of touching, was also ticked off my list. It's brilliant.
But Kennedy and MGM/Hollywood deserve most attention here. For Kennedy in particular, my opinion of the park was based solely on the nightmare journey we had getting there. We got lost, and it's a strange corner of Florida with not much around and thus I was very happy to get back to the madness of I-drive in the evening. But on the second visit, we didn't get lost. It took 45 minutes to drive out there, and we arrived just in time to see the GLAST rocket being launched into space. It was an amazing experience, and one that will always stay with me.
MGM/Hollywood sufferred because on both visits it seemed to be the hottest days of the fortnight, and there are no "wet" rides to cool you down. And also I wouldn't go on Tower of Terror or Rock'n'rollercoaster. But this time we managed to spend 12 hours at the park and were almost the last people to leave, it was that good. Allright, I'll admit it was during a "Star Wars weekend" so there was a Star Wars parade and some of the actors made appearances, and I got my photo taken with Boba Fett, and it was the month after Toy Story Mania had opened so there were a lot of things going for it.
Now I'll admit to loading the dice in our favour here. When we first visited Florida, it was our honeymoon and we got some Disney "Just married" badges which won us some goodwill and favourable seating on many rides. Well, yes, we wore them a year later on our second visit and boy did it pay off! Toy Story Mania had a waiting time of 2 hours, so my wife and I went in the Single Rider queue and to be honest we were happy to experience the ride separately. However, the "seater" clocked our badges and managed to squeeze us on together - after we had waited for 3 minutes. A saving of one hour, 57 minutes thanks to the badges. I shouldn't be proud of myself, but I am. And Toy Story Mania was brilliantly designed and lots of fun.
Rock'n'rollercoaster is my kind of 'coaster in as much as it goes very fast and not too high. And the layout inside is amazing. Plus I felt extra safe in the low seats of the car. We then managed to get great seats for the night-time firework display "Fantasmic" which was sensational and I was brave enough to experience the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, where the badges worked for us again!
Going on this ride is a big deal for someone with a fear of heights, as this is essentially a broken lift which goes up and down at speed and opens it's doors to the outside world. Quite scary. I'd finally summoned up the nerve to go on during the afternoon, and once Fantasmic had finished we considered going home for the night. But we noticed that it was 10:55 and we had five minutes left to go on one more ride. We dashed down to T.Z.T.O.T. as it was nearest and they closed the gate behind us, which added to the spookiness. We were officially the last people in the queue. Then as we were about to get into our lift, a smashing British girl held us back and said that as it was our honeymoon we'd get to ride alone - she even took our photo for us!! I felt bad about that, but we were the last people to ride T.Z.T.O.T. that night and we got to do it all alone. It was magical.
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